Night Off
by cinbru
Summary: Not a continuation of Day Off, but a new, totally off the wall continuation of the scene in LMT where Lula and Steph burn down the happy house. :
1. Chapter 1

I own none of these great characters. Janet owns everything.

Disclaimer: I know this idea was already written by Abbi Grant called "Something to Talk About" (if you haven't read it, you should. It's frickin hilarious, though sadly incomplete) but I always wanted the scene in LMT where Steph and Lula blow up the house to finish differently. This month's challenge on another board was 'Something found in a pocket', so I figured ah, well, screw it. I want to write my own version. This starts with Ranger and Steph getting back to her apartment on page 105 hardback. I also took the liberty of making it slightly later in the day. Some of you will find this funny…some won't. 

**Night Off-Part one**

**2:30 pm**

We walked in the door of my apartment. I still had one handcuff on my wrist in case, according to Ranger, I got frisky again. I think he was just turned on by it. As for me, I was thoroughly enjoying my buzz. I hadn't done this in years.

"Why don't you go take a shower, Babe. You smell like a big pot leaf. I'll make some sandwiches."

I sighed. Just call him Buzz Kill Ranger. I presented him with my wrist to remove the handcuffs. He brushed up against me as he did so. He looked down.

"What's in your pocket, Babe?"

"I don't know. It feels like a big lump."

Ranger watched as I shoved my hand in my pocket and drew out the offending object. We both froze and Ranger broke out in a big grin

"Stockpiling?"

It was a huge pot bud.

"Oh my gosh! I have no idea how that got in there!" Ranger's grin widened. "No really! The last thing I remember about being in the house was Lula stuffing her pockets." I stood there holding the pot. I didn't know what to do with it. Ranger held out his hand.

"I'll go flush it."

I was frozen, staring at the pot. I couldn't seem to make my body work. If I wasn't still stoned, things might have gone differently. I would have handed it over and we would have gone about our day. But today was a happy day. And suddenly, I was feeling extremely protective of my newly found treasure. In fact, it was calling to me. Steeeephaniiiieeee. Smoke me! Just a little bit!

I snatched my hand away from Ranger. "Yeah, I don't think so. I think I'll hang on to this a little while. You never know."

"Babe, what are you doing?" I was staring at the pot. I'm not sure what I was doing at the moment, but I suddenly knew what I would be doing. I was going to smoke it. And then I was going to order pizza. And then I was going to smoke a little more of it. Come to think of it, this was the greatest day _ever_!

Ranger was smiling openly at me. He shook his head. Damn, he was hot. He was just so uptight. Way too uptight. He looked like he could use a night off. In fact, he should smoke this with me. We could eat pizza and hang out. Have some laughs.

I grinned at him as I thought this and Ranger started looking wary. He looked from the pot to me. The only thing in my mind is that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, no matter what else happened today, Ranger HAD to smoke pot with me. It was essential. I just wasn't sure what it was essential to.

"So what are you doing today?" I was going for casual.

"I have a meeting in 30 minutes."

"And after that?"

Ranger was looking more wary. "I have paperwork and then I was going to work on the Zabar case. Why?"

"How important is your meeting?"

"Medium. What's up, Steph?"

"Call and cancel your meeting. I have the greatest idea in the entire world. I mean, you don't understand how good this idea is. It's like, fate has delivered this idea to us and we will be smited if we don't do this."

Ranger was smiling. He had a little worry crease in between his eyes. "Alright, let's hear it before you burst something."

"Ranger." I extended my arms toward him for effect. "You are going to stay here and……get stoned with me!" Somewhere in my sentence I had started jumping up and down.

He exhaled with a quiet "huh!"

"No."

"I knew you were going to say that. Ranger, you HAVE to do this. Come on, this is the best day ever! Please!!! Please please please please!" I had wrapped myself around him and was holding on for dear life. I concentrated as intensely as I could to bend Ranger to my will.

"Are you serious? You are really going to sit here and smoke pot all day?"

"I was going to eat, too."

Ranger barked out a laugh and pulled away. "Stephanie, I haven't done this in ten years."

"I know. Maybe it will make you so smart you'll figure out all your cases. You know, like a superpower. Except you already have one. Ranger! You have got to tell me your superpower!"

"Babe. It doesn't exactly work that way. I can't just take the night off. I have several cases that need my attention. And besides, you don't have any of the necessary paraphernalia to make this work."

Suddenly, I knew the answer to this problem. I ran and put my little precious doobage in a baggie and then I ran to my bedroom closet. Ranger followed slowly. I was already up on a chair trying to drag a box down from my top shelf when he walked in.

"Are you trying to tempt me with sex toys?"

"Will it work?"

"Maybe."

"That will be my last resort. I know he's in here somewhere."

"What are you trying to find?"

"Billy."

I was digging with earnest. Every fiber of my being attuned to my mission. At last I found it and pulled the colored glass out for Ranger.

"Billy Bong! Oh, Billy, I haven't seen you since college!" I was starting to get choked up.

Ranger was simply looking at me. He looked incredulous and tender at the same time. I knew I had him.

"Please Ranger? We could have so much fun! Your cases will still be here tomorrow."

He kept looking at me and the incredulous was fading. He shook his head and I think I heard him mutter "fuck" as he pulled out his phone.

"Santos, can you handle the 3:00 meeting with Piriano? Good. I'll be offline for the rest of the night. I don't want to hear from you." He looked at me as he said the last part. I was laughing and bouncing up and down. Billy bounced with me.

"Look Ranger! Billy's excited!"

"Babe, I will do this under two conditions. One, you tell no one. Two, you do not refer to your bong as being alive. Now go take a shower. I'll get us set up."

"You will still be here when I get out, right?"

"Yes. I can't believe it, but I will."

"Are you sure? I would be so sad if you left!"

"Babe!"

In the end I made him sit outside the bathroom and talk to me because I was convinced he was going to bolt. Even then I kept sticking my head out to make sure he was still there. When I got out, he had everything set up. He'd taken off his jacket and kicked off his shoes.

"Okay, Steph. You asked for it."

TBC…


	2. Chapter 2

I own nothing. Janet owns everything.

**Night Off-Part two**

**4:00 pm**

"Ranger."

We were sitting on the floor with our backs up against the couch, a buffet around us.

"What, Babe?"

"Can you see through walls?"

"No."

"Can you read minds?"

"Sometimes." He smiled at this. "Sometimes I can see through your shirt."

"That doesn't count as a superpower. Can you breathe underwater?"

"No."

"Can you extend your limbs like rubber?"

"There is nothing rubbery about me."

"Heh heh heh."

"What?"

"I've seen you naked."

"Yep. Hey, Billy wants to come over and see me."

**5:00 pm**

"Babe, am I weird?"

"Heh, heh, he heh heh."

"No, really. You asked me about being quiet earlier in the car. Why? I'm not weird, am I?"

Ranger and I were lying on the couch watching Whose Line is it Anyway. We were on our second bowl.

"You aren't weird. You're like this..this..dark, brooding, hot, militant, regulated wet dream. But you aren't weird. Ha! Ryan Stiles is pretending to eat his own arm!"

"Good. I don't want to be weird. Wait, you think I'm a wet dream?" Ranger turned towards me. He looked hot and sexy and I had never wanted anyone so bad in my life.

"Ranger, you are so damn hot." Ranger grabbed me and kissed me before I could say 'dry mouth'. We clung to each other, hands everywhere. Billy forgotten. When he started tugging on my shirt I tensed up and pushed him away.

"Ranger, we can't."

"Babe, remember how you said this was the greatest day ever? This would be the greatest sex ever. You have no idea the things I could do to you."

"I can imagine but we can't." I was forlorn. "Because this is still book thirteen and I haven't broken up with Joe. Cindy won't let me cheat."

"Fucking Cindy."

**6:00 pm**

Ranger and I were huddled around the phone on the floor sitting Indian style. Ranger had his hand over his mouth.

"Vincent Plum Bail Bonds. This is Connie."

"Uh yeah. My name is Alice Cameltoe and I need some bail."

"Okay Miss Cameltoe. Are you currently is jail?"

"Yeah. My Mom should be coming to get the money in a minute."

"Okay. I'm going to need to ask you some questions about your crime. Alright?"

"Okay. But my minutes almost up."

"What are you in jail for, Alice?"

"I'd rather not say."

"Okay, We'll come back to that. Is this your first time in jail?"

"No, I have been in six times."

"Holy crap. Okay, honey, you are going to have to tell me what you are in for this time. Is it prostitution?"

"Sort of."

"Sort of?"

"Yeah, I had public sex with a horse in the mall parking lot."

Silence.

"It was a dare."

"What the fuck! Joyce, is that you?"

Click.

**6:10 pm**

"Hello?"

"Is this Joyce Barnhardt?"

"Yes it is."

"This is Jack Kanoff with the Department of Public Health. I'm sorry to bother you but we have a report of a gas leak near your house."

"Oh shit. What do you mean a gas leak? This better not cause me any problems like death, you dip wad."

"I hope not, too, Miss. I'm going to need you to test for me to see if it got in your water system. Are you on a cordless phone?"

"Yes. Is this going to take long? I have a date in 20 minutes and he has money."

"It won't take long. I need you to go into the bathroom."

"Fine. I'm in the bathroom."

"Good. Now I need you to stick your arm into the toilet and tell me if you see any bubbles form against your skin."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me. Shit. Alright, I'm putting my arm in. Christ. Yes, there are a few bubbles."

"Holy shit! Get out of your house right now! It's going to blow!"

Click

**7:00 pm**

Ranger and I were now outside on the fire escape, Billy resting between us. We figured the old people had lost their sense of smell. We also figured that we were invisible. Ranger had been staring at his knee for the past ten minutes.

"What are you thinking about, Ranger?"

"I have so much money."

"That rocks."

"No, you don't understand. I have _so _much money. I own six buildings."

"I want to own a building."

"I'll buy you one."

I thought about this. It didn't seem right. What kind of building would I get, anyway? Hold up.

"Will you buy me Victoria Secret?"

"The whole company? I don't think I have that much money."

"No, one store."

"Okay."

"How do we buy it?"

"I don't know. I'll ask my lawyer. I have a lawyer."

"I have a Twinkie."

"Holy shit, I want a Twinkie bad. I haven't had a Twinkie since……"

"Since when, Ranger?"

"What were we talking about?"

**9:00 pm**

"Ranger, what do you think Tank and Lula are doing?"

"Huh, doing."

"No, really."

"Babe, they are probably sitting at Tank's house stoned like we are."

I was flabbergasted. "Tank has a house?"

"Yuuuup."

"This is blowing my mind."

"You can bl-"

"So you think they are enjoying Lula's stash? Wait, but if she's with Tank then we don't know that's what they are doing. I mean, he could be totally against it and they could just be hanging out."

"Oh no. They're stoned."

I thought on this for awhile. Tank and Lula in a house. Stoned.

"Have you been to his house?"

"Many times. I painted a room."

"So you know where it is?"

"I taped it off. And then I mixed up the paint. Looong, even strokes."

"Focus, Ranger. Do you know where Tank's house is?"

"Yep."

"Can you get us there?"

"Yep."

I thought some more. Suddenly, the plan came to me. I knew what we must do to complete our evening.

"Ranger!"

"Babe."

"Get your shoes on. We are going to go toilet paper Tank and Lula!"

Ranger was quiet for a moment. His brow furrowed in concentration. "I don't think they are going to just stand there, Babe."

I stared at him. Then I started laughing. I laughed so hard I couldn't make any noise. Ranger started laughing, too. Then I was laughing because Ranger was laughing. We were laughing so hard that the only noises we could make were these odd grunts every time we tried to take a breath. When that happened, the other would point at the grunter and thrash. Ranger making a stupid comment was awesome. But Ranger laughing out of pure joy was the best thing to happen yet.

We finally calmed down when a Taco Bell commercial came on. It was then that I remembered our mission.

"Ranger, seriously we HAVE to wrap their house. I'm so good at it. What do you think?"

Ranger's faced creased into a smile. "Babe, you're right. This is the best night. I love you." And he swept me into a hug.

Ranger released me but looked thoughtful. "But we have a problem."

"Billy can't come?"

"Oh, no. Billy's coming. He'll even get a seatbelt. But, Babe, we can't drive like this."

"Can we walk? We can walk!"

"Too far."

"Ohhh." This was beyond tragic. This was devastation. But Ranger was smiling.

"Steph, do you want to see the coolest thing in the world? Watch this. I just open my phone…" Ranger dialed on his cell phone. He screwed his face into a serious one.

"Santos! We have a situation at Stephanie's apartment. I need you and Brown here in 10. No, no need for backup, but bring night vision and gear." He snapped his phone shut and broke into silent laughter. "Now watch this! They're just going to show up. Can you believe it?"

TBC…


	3. Chapter 3

I own nothing. Janet owns everything.

**Note:** For those of you who were confused in the last part-I'm Cindy. Yeah, sorry about that. Did you just think they were really stoned and making up people?

**Night Off-Part three**

**9:20 pm**

There was a knock at my door. Ranger and I had raced around the apartment and cleaned up the evidence. We were completely convinced they would never know. It was Ranger's idea to tell them we had pink eye.

I opened the door and Lester and Bobby burst in dressed in full night gear. They had their guns drawn and swept into the room in formation, Bobby down on one knee, Lester over his shoulder aiming at all the corners in rapid succession. Ranger started chuckling beside me. I looked at him. He had his eyes closed and was laughing but trying not to.

"That was so much better than I thought it was going to be!" He whispered.

Bobby and Lester looked over at us questioningly. I think they realized there was no immediate threat when they saw us laughing. Bobby frowned. He looked closely at Ranger and then glanced around the apartment. Lester was sniffing the air. They glanced at each other and holstered their guns.

Ranger screwed his face back up into his serious one. He even had frown lines in between his eyes. "Santos! Brown!"

Lester and Bobby stood in front of Ranger. They were still looking at us thoughtfully. I was still trying to stop laughing. Just when I thought I could get it together, I would see Ranger's lips twitch.

"We need you to help us with a situation. Did you bring clothes for us?"

Bobby nodded.

"Good. We are going to be securing a residence tonight. We need to first stop by a convenience store for supplies-"

I pulled his sleeve. "Don't forget Taco Bell."

"-and then we will be stopping by Taco Bell. This is imperative. Do you understand your orders so far?" Lester was starting to smile slightly but Bobby was listening intently.

Ranger turned around to me, his back facing the guys.

"Babe!" he stage whispered, "Babe, they're totally buying it. This is great!" He was grinning broadly. He turned back around and was stern again.

"Then we will be proceeding to Tank's house. This will be dangerous work and we may not all make it." Ranger made the grunt laugh noise and turned back around to me. "I almost lost it on that. Wait, I can get it…" He turned back to them, serious again.

Bobby leaned towards Ranger. "Since you have hired me to look out for your best interests at all times and to keep you briefed on all situations, I should tell you that when your turn around we can still hear you."

"Thank you, Bobby. I was not aware of that."

"No problem. Now do you want to tell us why we are really here?"

Lester was outright chuckling by this time. "Bobby, my friend, I think we are here because Rangeman needs a donut."

"I've had a donut."

Lester, Bobby, Ranger and I burst out laughing. The thought of Ranger eating a donut was too much. Lester swung his arm over my shoulders. "Girl, I never thought I'd see the day when someone could get our boy here stoned. You're alright!"

I was proud. "Lester, Bobby- we're going to toilet paper Tank's house. You have to help us. We can't drive." Lester burst out laughing and clapped his hands.

"I am so in! But first, steer me in the direction of whatever the hell you two are on. We only need one sober driver."

"Hey!" Bobby was pissed.

Ranger clapped Lester on the shoulder. "Come meet Billy. He's a little shy at first, but he warms up."

**10:40 pm**

We had all piled in one of the Explorers. Ranger and I in the back, Bobby and Lester up front. Lester had the radio cranked and was singing "I'm in Love with a Stripper" at the top of his lungs. Bobby was silent. We had already been to the store where Bobby was sent in to get 36 rolls of toilet paper and shaving cream.

We pulled up to the Taco Bell drive through.

"Welcome to Taco Bell. Can I take your order?"

"Yes, I would like-shhhh! You guys! I'm sorry. I would like 16 tacos, 10 of them hard and six soft- yes, I _know _nothing about you is soft. I got you hard tacos. Shit, Lester! Sorry about that. I also need 3 chili cheese burritos, one Frito burrito, a chalupa and a taco salad. Also- YES! I already said taco salad, Ranger. She heard me! Fuck! I'm sorry. I also need two large Cokes, a large Dr. Pepper and a Sprite."

"Thank you. That will be $32.67."

"Wait, I'm sorry. Apparently I also need some cinnamon twists. Okay OKAY! Three orders of cinnamon twists."

"$34.89. Please pull around."

**11:10 pm**

Tank had a fairly decent sized house on the outskirts of Trenton. We hadn't really looked at it yet. We were parked down the street. Ranger, Lester, Billy and I were still in the Explorer and it was a little hard to see out. Bobby was outside organizing the toilet paper. Bobby didn't like us at the moment.

We had changed into our black night gear. We each had infrared goggles and walkie-talkies. Bobby had attached GPS locaters to the three of us.

We got out of the car and lined up in front of Ranger. He was still the boss.

"Okay, team." He crouched down and got a stick. "Here is the game plan." He started drawing a complex diagram on the ground. Four minutes went by. Bobby finally spoke up.

"Ranger."

"Look! I drew my car."

"Shit."

Lester sat down next to Ranger and got another stick. He started adding women to Ranger's picture. They started chuckling.

"Hey!" I yelled. "I want to toilet paper Tank! Is that me? You made my boobs bigger. No, no. A little more cleavage." I sat next to Lester and got a stick. Bobby hung his head.

Ten minutes later we had drawn the entire Rangeman building and parking lot. Ranger and Lester had added women washing the cars. Lester looked around.

"Does anyone know where we are?"

Ranger and I were stumped. Bobby had been sitting at the curb kicking rocks. He stood up and came back over.

"We're at Tank's house, dumb shits! It's 11:30 at night and I'm ready to get this show on the road. I have three cinnamon twists left for the person who can get up the fastest." Lester shoved Ranger over on top of me and bolted up.

"It's me! It's me. Fuck, give them to me now, Bobby! I'm serious. And if anyone makes a move towards me it will be the last thing you do tonight." He had grabbed the twists and was backing away.

Ranger and I stood up. He pulled me to him smiling and kissed my head.

"I'm having a great time, Babe. Are you having a good time?"

"I'm wasted. Are you wasted, Ranger?"

"I'm pretty sure. Do I still have a left leg?"

**11:50 pm**

We were crouched behind a bush at the side of Tank's property. Ranger had finally outlined a plan and we had our missions. I was responsible for sector bravo in quadrant omega. I was just going to wrap the big tree. We started forward and I got out my roll. I was just about to toss it up when I realized the guys were just standing there, looking a little uncomfortable.

"Please tell me you know how to toilet paper."

"We never actually did this growing up, Bomber." Lester said.

"Okay, you want to cover as much stuff with t.p. as you can. If you want to throw it, unroll it a few feet so the weight of the t.p. makes it unroll as it goes. Then you can throw it over the tree and it will get t.p. on the top. You also want to shred it up into bits to put on the bushes. That makes it a bitch to clean up. Then we will write stuff with the shaving cream on his driveway and walk. It will stain it for a few days after he washes it off. Okay, go! Ranger, that tree is not in Tank's yard."

We worked for about 30 minutes. I was so focused on the tree that I didn't pay attention to the other guys. When I finally looked up, Bobby had done a great job on the bushes. Ranger had drawn a complex picture with shaving cream of Tank doing something inappropriate with what looked like some kind of missile. Lester had decorated two other trees, but he was not around.

"Anyone seen Lester?"

Bobby pulled out his handheld GPS screen. "He's around the side of the house." We trooped over and stared at the pile of Lester's clothes on the ground. I made a strangling noise.

"Oh no! He melted!"

"Babe, I doubt he melted. Maybe he got hot. Or he could have become really, really small." We looked down at the ground, afraid to take any more steps.

There was movement off to the left and Bobby went for his gun. Lester jumped out completely naked. Almost naked. He had totally wrapped himself in toilet paper.

"This is awesome! You guys have to try this. It feels like you're naked, but you're not!" Ranger started to take off his shirt. Lester bent down to adjust his leg and the t.p. ripped up the back causing the entire outfit to fall to the ground. We all just stood there staring at Lester.

Bobby started laughing. He laughed so hard he had to put his hands on his knees. Then he started clapping his hands while he laughed. Suddenly the lights inside Tank's house came on. Lula came charging out. She had on a zebra and hot pink camisole with a thong. Tank came out behind her, tightening a robe.

"What the hell are you doing? And why is this fool naked? Shrek and I were at a crucial point!"

We all looked at Tank. He was just smiling. "Yo."

We Yo'd back.

"You guys want to barbeque?"

**2:25 am**

Ranger and I walked back into my apartment. Our buzz was mostly gone. We had grilled and swam until late and then Bobby drove us home. We finally made Lester put his clothes back on for the car trip.

I was beat. We walked around and turned off lights. Ranger looked at the couch and raised his eyebrows.

"Come on, Batman. I'll share the bed."

We brushed our teeth and climbed in the bed. Ranger immediately pulled me to him, my head on his shoulder, his arms wrapped around me. I was instantly comfortable.

"Thanks, Babe. That was a great night off."

"Wasn't it?"

"Yep. Maybe we can hang out with Billy again sometime, if he isn't busy."

"I'd like that. Maybe in book Fourteen Janet will get it right."

"In more ways than one."

The End


End file.
